Now that I’m here in this place, with her, with Squid.
Watching rain through a trees branches,
from a wooden chair by a sliding glass door
something similar, somewhere new
Letting my mind wander to nothing in particular at all
Pepita, bread, bialy, dinner, chicken, life
swish swash rumble tumble hum hum buzz, swish~
The sweet sound of laundry
Fresh skin for a new day, hour, moment,
But it eludes before it can build.
Click the lock
Heave the heavy door aside and hang my back and head into the air
Arching back, head up to taste
Lovely springs life returns
How many dinners will I eat by this door?
How many more
Ka, I read once, twice, three times now it seems – probably more – is like fate, but more. Something brimming with purpose and place. Leading those who are struck by it, marked, to where they should be. Where they will be. Where they already have been. I’ve been walking this circle for a good long while like a gunslinger looking for a tower. Aim with your eyes, shoot with your mind, not with your hand. I am the gunslinger, but I gave up my guns. I no longer need them to find that tower, made of black stone among roses so red blood stands out on their silken petals. I no longer have need for those sandalwood grips that hold the keys to doors on their base. For a moment I thought I did not need the tower, but now I know differently, feel I know differently. Ka has made that clear. I will always need the tower, I will always need to climb it, to open the heavy door at the top of the winding stair and step through its blinding, brilliant light. But now, among a hundred or a thousand twists and turns and start agains I have remembered the face of my father. My father who loves me well. The face of my father, whom I thought I had remembered all this time. I have remembered the voice of my mother, who has taught me to be like the stones that hold that monstrous thing into the heavens. I will drag no one into this world to walk with me, to die for my quest. My name may not be Roland, but I am the last of my kind.
I do not kill with my gun. I kill with my heart.
Something is swallowing me whole
Deep, dark, little ball of something
Stirring in my gut
Yearning to speak words
But the thing that lives above
In the musty attic with a blonde straw roof
Tells it to hush as it neglects to blink
Staring at the hands of a clock
With a crack in the glass
Hands stuck like children
The deep, dark, little ball of something
Musters up a sound
And the half burnt twins that live between the two
Help to push the sound to life
With raspy tones
And wheezing gasps
That deep, dark, little ball of something
Just has to find the words
Like the only real lips
To have ever been pressed
Firmly against mine
As mine pressed firmly back
Hands over shoulders, or around
To the small of the back
Whos hands where
I lost track
Knowing we have to part
I jot down a few words
Expecting the same
Expecting them to be meaningless
To another name, which I haven’t decided
But they didn’t
You read them, gazed them, pulled them into your heart
Let them circulate through veins
Felt the weight between your muscle and bone
And you carried it
We’ve bound ourselves together with words and sacred rituals we could never fully understand.
She cleans my wounds.
But now, now we have nothing to say.
She places stitches in my broken skin.
Because those rites have been abolished, broken, and thrown about the room.
She pulls me to my feet.
Now I have nothing to say.
She pushes me back down.
She strips away my bandages.
Now I have nothing.
She ties me to the stake.
Now I burn.
You’re a drug addict.
Though they are minor.
You’re addicted to the things
Slowly are killing you
You haven’t gotten stronger,
Only more caloused.
It’s time to get sober.
How many times must I relearn the lesson
That words can amount
Only to nothing
That actions guide our feet
In momentary splendor
To fill a void infinite
That consumes without perception
Or care for one or others
That loneliness is the only lesson
I’ve ever learned