Thirty Eight : Feeling Optimistic

I’ve been in a funk for weeks. At least I realize it’s been weeks when I wake up this morning, body half bent in on itself, cocooned in my thick blanket as to not touch the mattress I’ve neglected to put the sheets back on.
How long ago did I wash those?
I count the days back…. Wednesday, I did them Wednesday. Good, I don’t feel as lazy as I probably should. Add that to the list of things I should more than likely do before I leave.

I can’t think of anything to write, I can’t think of anything to write, I can’t think of anything to write. I can’t think of anything of any consequence to write.

Everything that’s happened has led me to this point.
But I’m so bored waiting to get started.
The storm before the calm.

Walking down to the corner store, thin joint hanging loosely from my lips as the smoke leaves a tail bobbing up and down behind me.  It doesn’t seem to matter to anyone. No one looks, no one notices the ghost walking down the street.

I smoke two cigarettes on the walk home, drawing them in greedily to the filter, think about having a third. No.

I sit back down at my computer and write about nothing, surveying the wall sized map of California, Oregon, and Washington, the thin red line burning up the Eastern and Central sections of the states beckons me toward it. The thick black circle at the very bottom grins. April 16, Start, 0 Miles. April 23rd, Idyllwild, 179 Miles. May 10th, Lancaster, 319 Miles. May 20th, Inyokern, 703 Miles. June 12th, Lower Sierra Nevada, 7xx miles, turn 29 years old. June 20th, Tuolomne Meadows, 942 Miles. July 7th, Echo Lake, 1095 Miles. July 17th, Chester, 1353 Miles. July 24th, Burney, 1424 Miles. August 7th, Seiad Valley, 1662 Miles. August 16th, Crater Lake, 1830 Miles. August 26th, Sisters, 1990 Miles. September 3rd, Cascade Locks, 2155 Miles, September 12th, Naches, 2303 Miles. September 28th, Monument 78, 2665+ Miles.
Dates subject to change. Miles are rounded around.
In all this walking and planning, drinking and smoking, talking and thinking, I’ve come to realize something earlier than expected.

Thank you for this.
I forgive you.
Now it’s time to forgive myself.
One step at a time.


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