Thirty Six : Window

The window is open wide enough I can feel the breeze stir through the tiny room. My room. The room I switched to when I turned eighteen. When I decided to start staying out all night, walking around town with nothing better to do. I do that a lot when I’m here.
Nothing.
I left to chase something I knew I shouldn’t have, all the while feeling the lessons learned. I’ve always known when the lessons are coming. Feel it swelling. Life is a big mess of lessons.
I learned my lesson and came back to think about it.
This is also the room I lived in when I met you. The room I was happy to escape from. Too comfortable and without motivation.
Now this is the room I live in again. Where I grew up. Where I’m growing up again. The room that houses all my guilt, where I can catalog it, file it away for later and make sense of it when I can. When chaos isn’t pulling me in every direction. That vast, ruthless ocean I tend to sink or swim in.
I’m leaving again. I thought to walk you off, but I can’t do that. Not even if I spent my entire life trying. My baggage is all packed up for this one though and it weighs a lot more than my pack. I’ve got the luggage car all gassed up. You see, I’ve got this ghost of you chasing me all over town, no matter where I am. No matter how much I try to shake it, I just can’t seem to run. So I’m gonna try something else this time. I’m going to drop my bags in the woods and never look back. It’s funny, as much as I want that ghost to leave, I need it to keep chasing me. It’s become the driving force to all of this madness. This change. Funny, how we could be so right and so wrong about everything all at once. I’m going to let your ghost linger, pushing me forward.
But for now, I’m going to stew in all this. Take it all in. I closed a lot of doors, but you opened a window. The breeze has never been fresher.

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