The changes are slowly coming. I can feel them. Less pulled one way and more in another. Where once my attention seemed so concentrated on one area of my life, now another demands all my energy. Feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and personalities I used to be able to overlook or ignore now stand more prominent before peoples words and actions. I wanted to be open and honest with everything and everyone, and I was. But I did not get anything in return. No honesty, no truth. I got sleepy sunny dreams tied together by words. Just words. No meaning or thought. Just what sounded the best at the time. There is no perfect happy moment. This I’m coming to terms with now. Just a series, a collection, of possibly positive snap shots in time held together by glue and cheap ribbon. All these people clamor for hope, honesty, and love. But what they really want is “more for me, more for me, more for me.” They go on and on and on about how they want honesty, freedom, and the ability to go wild. But when you give them that opportunity, what happens? They say you’re being dramatic for sharing how you feel. They lock themselves into slavery by choice. They realize what they have to give up to be wild and run the opposite direction.
So, what have we learned over the summer?
- There is never a happy ending.
- People, no matter what they say, don’t want honesty.
- It’s better to be silent and perceived as uncomfortable than it is to have a voice, share yourself, and be seen as the problem.
I couldn’t tell you when I’m going to update this again. I’m keeping all my writing private and hand written again. Probably self consciously preparing for the PCT in April. No money, no job, and most of the gear I need… Change was, is, and will be.